This past week has been a weird one for me. I think this is something that we all go through. We feel like change is needed or something comes into our lives that make us want to make a change. I have been filled with these thoughts, as my trip to New York City showed me that I if I wanted, I could do better things in this world then what I have been doing. I don’t know if I want to be sitting in Spokane any longer, but with finances the way they are I can’t just get up and go.
I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ll be sitting there at an open mic or a show and I just feel alone. Like not even the comics would understand what is going on. I feel like an outsider even among those that I call my friends. It’s as though their lives and my life only intersect at comedy. I also think it may be because their goals at this point in their careers are much different then mine. I don’t want to get 15 solid minutes or host at the local dive bar. I want to be out in the comedy clubs or the conference rooms or cruise ships, anywhere I can feel comfortable. It’s almost a duality going on inside. I don’t like the person that I am. I am not outgoing or charismatic. When I am on stage, I feel great. My self doubt is replaced with a brilliant confidence that captures a room. I have tried to bottle that in my day to day, but it is never really the same. I am an awkward, loathsome person that doesn’t know how to talk to anyone and when I do I second guess the things that come out of my mouth. I second guess other’s intents, paranoid is the word that would best describe it.
I think I may need a change of scenery. I am awaiting the decision from the VA to see if I will have any money to go to other places this summer. I have a list of places already, none of which are back to South Carolina. San Diego and L.A. are the two top places. Not even for comedy, but to see if that area is something I can do. Spokane just gets me down. The weather, the enthusiasm for comedy, my history with the area, all play a role in how I feel about the place.
We have been filming more sketches for this show on the 1st and I am astonished by how good everything has turned out. This is the bright spot in the in an otherwise down time for me. I like all aspects of filmmaking…well maybe not the standing. My feet were killing me after standing up last night!
I think one thing I need to change is just accepting slack ass behavior. I used to be the guy that would get everywhere early, but what started happening was because I am dealing with comics and theater people they get everywhere late and then a culture of just being slack took a hold of me. I need to stop doing that. If they are going to be late then it wasn’t a priority for them. I try to take people’s time into consideration. I feel like comedians for the most part do not.
Other than these blogs, I haven’t been writing that much and I need to change that. I want to write a couple of things to put up on Amazon. I don’t want to give them away, but I think the ideas are good and the way I want to write them would be great for those that want their stories in sections rather than these huge chunks that takes weeks (or for some people days) to finish. It might not be a brand new idea, but it is an idea nonetheless.