This is the epic conclusion to the minisieries that is Comedian in the real world. I am excited at the fact that I was able to pull off two of these sons of bitches in a matter of minutes. I just wanted to get it all out before I forget. Hell, I even wrote notes!
Something comics tend to think will happen but doesn’t is that when they invite their friends, they will forever have their buddies following them from dive bar to dive bar cheering them on as they search for laughs. That is now how it will work. This is how it works 100% of the time. First you will get all of your friends to come see you perform. Then the more you do it the less your friends will show up. Then, before you know it, you are now there every week by yourself cursing your friends. Just stop that and go by yourself. They won’t be able to meet you in Idaho Falls when you have to do a show in front of the horniest people Idaho has to offer. They won’t be there every night so you need to get used to it. Just cut the cord. I ever asked anyone to come with me. I didn’t need the drama, especially if you didn’t do that well. They will try to talk you up again, but you know you sucked that night. Just leave them home and save them for the bigger shows.
Your significant other will not understand what it is about comedy you love so much. They may like to laugh as much as you do, but they won’t understand half of your jokes until they are polished. I tell my girl jokes all the time and she gets half of them and the other half she tells me to get rid off because no one will laugh. Then, she will see me perform the same jokes on stage and they will work and she will be dumbfounded. She doesn’t understand that to be noticed in comedy you can’t stay in Spokane. That a drive may help your career (Seattle has a great scene and so does Portland) you may need to make sacrifices and that may be the hardest for those grounded in reality to accept. Now, my girl is not like that. She tells me all the time that I need to get out there. I am more concerned with my quality of life at this point. I get nervous about blowing 100 bucks if it means I will not be able to pay a bill.
Money is the biggest reality check of them all I think. “If I had the money!” is something every comic has said at one point or another. If you had the money you could take a plane to a city instead of drive 9 hours. You could actually get something to eat. These are things that help if you got money. If you don’t you are spending a lot of time in a job you don’t want hoping that you can get a lottery ticket (if you could afford one) and be instantly wealthy. That way you can go to all the big cities and stay just long enough too…I don’t know…get more wealthy. That is the thing about money. If you had enough to do what you wanted would you still have the drive to do the little things. Would you still want to go to Ellensburg on a Thursday night for 100 bucks? Maybe, but maybe you can snort pixie dust off a hooker and stay home.
Driving a big thing as well, not as big as money, but it is up there. If you are a road comic (a lot of us are). You are driving a lot. You have to plan accordingly. You can’t feature in Billings Montana for 100 bucks a night if you drive a Ford Expedition. It will take at least 300 just to get there. You need reliable transportation and you need fuel efficient transportation.
I’m telling you. Once you realize these things as a comic life is so much easier. You then start to plan out stuff. You get a decent car and you plan guest sets in places that you know if you do a good job they will call you back. You keep your friends the hell away from open mics (unless you don’t want to see them again) and you make sure your significant other can take a joke. You then get to know comics and pretty soon you can be doing one nighters in the back woods of Oregon for 300 bucks. It’s the good life!